What I’ve Been Struggling With

I’ve got kind of a personal topic to discuss today. Not that I haven’t had some personal conversations before, but this is something I haven’t really talked about with anyone yet.

I’ve been having a really hard time the last couple months and I’m reaching out for some advice/help/words of encouragement.

Let’s start with some background info:

My entire life I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I have had low self esteem as long as I can remember. In school, I hid it by being mean and giving off an arrogant persona. One thing I never struggled with, though, was my weight and body type. Until now.

At my high school graduation

I graduated high school weighing 120 pounds. Some say that was “too skinny” for me, but I was content, eating enough, and my BMI didn’t classify me as underweight. When I started college, I gained about 30 pounds. It was tough but I still didn’t have any body image issues. One hundred fifty pounds still looked good on me.

At that time, I was working in a supermarket. I was on my feet 8+ hours a day, running around, lifting and pushing heavy items, and really didn’t stop moving until the end of my shift. I still ate well, not the “healthiest,” but well. I managed to stay at about 145-150 pounds.

When I moved on from retail and got a desk job, that’s where things went downhill. I gained weight so rapidly. In less than a year, I have gained about 30 pounds. I am at my highest weight ever: 175 pounds. I get mixed comments from people. Some tell me I still look good – I look “healthy.” Others comment on how I’ve got a little more of a tummy than I used to and that I don’t eat healthy enough; that my recipes are all very fattening and it’s showing.

Like I said, I have never struggled with a weight/body image issue before. It is so difficult. I look in the mirror and all I see is the double chin, the “muffin top,” the stretch marks on my ever growing thighs. And I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have days where I wanna eat healthy all the time and exercise and make strides losing weight. I have other days where I crave junk food, eat all the junk food I can get my hands on, and then feel like utter shit about it. Not even that I physically feel crappy but that I emotionally feel like I am letting myself down.

I have gone back and forth so many times about feeling okay with my weight and beating myself to tears about it. I don’t feel like I eat unhealthy. I eat breakfast (usually oatmeal, avo-toast, or hard boiled eggs), lunch (sandwiches, salad, leftovers), and dinner (varies – but you’ve seen what I eat for dinner if you’ve ever taken a look at my Instagram) daily. I don’t skip meals. And I snack often. A lot of times my snacks are the “unhealthy” options (I can’t pass up Doritos for the life of me!).

So, how come it’s so difficult for me to choose “healthy” options? Or to stick by the 80/20 rule? Or do I actually stick by that but am just overly hard on myself? UGH.

The biggest problem (well, okay, there’s two), is a) my self esteem is shit; and b) I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person. Either I eat “healthy” 110% of the time and never slip up and feel totally awesome all the time and workout or I don’t. I don’t know how to give myself the leeway to slip up or have a “junk food” item sometimes.

I can’t calorie count. I tried that. It’s way more emotional stress than I can handle. It makes me anxious and sends me into a self-destructive state of mind.

I used to love grocery shopping. Now, I go into the store and all I see is added sugar everywhere. Do I think Americans have a sugar problem? Absolutely. But I eat half a candy bar and I hate myself. I have a flavored yogurt (which is loooooaded with freaking sugar) and make myself feel like shit. But that doesn’t stop me from continuing to do it. And the cycle continues the more I do it.

I’ve read lots of articles on the Whole30 (my failed attempt can be read about here) and veganism and all those kinds of lifestyles. I’ve toyed with the idea of them. But I can’t. I can’t restrict myself and feel good about it. People talk about how when they cut out this or that or this other thing that they feel the best they have ever felt – emotionally and physically. I long for that. For peace with both aspects of my life. But I don’t know how to get there.

When people say that cutting out sugar or something gives them more energy/healthy feelings/etc, I wonder what they felt like before. I’ve thought that I would feel better if I stopped eating fast food (although that’s true..), stopped eating candy, stopped eating dairy. But with little bouts of trialing these, I don’t feel any different physically. I don’t feel any physical euphoria. I feel overwhelmed with tough, self-destructive feelings.

That’s something I have struggled with the most, I think. I want to feel “better.” I want to feel “healthy.” I want to have more energy. But what if I am currently at my peak for all of these things. How do I know if I’m at my peak? How do I know what I’m eating is the problem? I don’t.

The unknown scares me. I think you might have noticed that by now. But, really, who doesn’t it scare?

I need help. I don’t know what kind of help in particular, just help. I wanna feel good physically and emotionally. I’m not there today. I feel bloated (thanks, PMS) and a little irritable and have a headache. And I’m trying so hard not to blame the piece of cake I ate last night or the chinese food on these things.

The amount I eat out has significantly decreased in the last few months. I meal plan for a month at a time, and have gotten so much better at following it. I have started prepping lunches on Sunday nights again, so there’s no reason to head over to the cafeteria for some chicken nuggets and fries. We have so many veggies in our house that we could eat nothing but veggies for a whole month and be alright. And I have the most supportive girlfriend on the planet.

The saddest part is that that paragraph took me three whole days to write. I had to think hard about what I am doing right in my life. About what food choices I am making that are good. I got so consumed with what choices I am making wrong.

The one thing I have loved about food, though, is it’s ability to comfort me. It makes me happy. Cooking makes me happy. New recipes makes me happy. New combinations make me happy. So why am I letting it make me so sad lately? Why?

I know there are things I need to work on: the emotions that come with eating, exercising a little more. Like I said, I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I need to feel very content with how I’m eating and need to exercise hard core or I don’t feel good about it. And I know, in the back of my mind, that’s not true. I don’t need to eat 100% all the time. I don’t need to workout everyday. My workouts don’t have to be hardcore cardio and weights and pilates in order for them to be effective. I need to remind myself that.

I can have a piece of cake. I can have a piece two nights in a row. I can eat that serving of doritos. And exercise should be what feels good. Yoga feels good. Stretching feels good. Sometimes running feels good. Sometimes weights feel good.

And self care feels good. Baths feel good. Watching youtube feels good. Making cinnamon buns feels good. Making breakfast on the weekend feels good.

Me, this past week

I need to remind myself these things. I need to give myself a break. I need to find a permanent way to keep these things in mind.

Thank you if you have read all this. It feels good to get it out. And I’m sure someone can relate. I know I’m not alone, although I feel very alone in this.

If you have any negative thoughts on this post, please take them elsewhere. I appreciate the comments I get and how support and understanding my readers are. I have enough negative thoughts and energy on my own, I don’t need it coming from more people than it already does.

xoxo,